Every couple is capable of building a relationship that is wholesome, one that allows you to become vulnerable and totally exposed to your spouse’s past and the deepest wounds from their childhood. Unfortunately if your spouse is not prepared to confront the wounds of the past, it can plague the present and the uncertain future too.
Trauma breaks a child’s trust in life
Trauma in childhood impacts on the relationship a child has between fear and trust. Trust in people, and trust in the process of life. Life has let them down. For this reason alone it is essential that childhood trauma be dealt with properly and sensitively to enable a child to re-engage fully with life.
Every person reacts to trauma differently. What is traumatic for one child may not be traumatic for another. Some can cope with a traumatic experience and move on quickly while others can’t. Different personalities have different coping skills. As parents we also need to bear in mind that children often see and experience trauma very differently to adults.
It is rare that someone can deal with trauma by themselves. A child often requires a multi-disciplinary approach. Trauma can be resolved quickly or may require a lot of time to unravel, depending on many influencing factors. The objective of the healing journey to access the trauma that is stored or trapped in the mind, body and emotions, to give it a voice, to empower the child to process it and to integrate and understand the memories within the larger context of their life.
Therapy should empower the patient who is recovering from having their power taken away through abuse or violation. The goal is to replace fear with trust by helping a child to reformulate their beliefs and perceptions, and to restore a sense of control and stability. This is a process that takes time.
Also bear in mind that when your child experiences a trauma, it can uncover past wounds from your own traumatic experiences. You need to help your child deal with their trauma by dealing with your own too.
Trauma is impactful
Childhood traumas are so impact-full, the agony can last a life time and many other aspects of life can be destroyed within the process too. Perhaps you or your spouse is still plagued with the pains from your childhood, and you have continued to hide them beneath your marriage. The purpose of marriage is to have someone to support you as you are no longer alone; you do not have to continue to suffer in silence as the more generous you are with letting out your pains, the better it is for your spouse to support you.
Rejection is violation
Childhood trauma can have a massive impact on affection, it can make you very vulnerable in marriage; you either find it really difficult to love truthfully or become obsessed with your partner in a possessive and insecure manner.
Seeking marital happiness and fulfillment after a childhood of trauma without cultivating the right attitude or take responsibilities for your own strengths and failures can have a negative ripple effect on your well-being and your marriage too. Domestic violence in marriage is often perpetrated by men and women who have faced rejection as children or adults and the only protection they often understand is violence in their own self-defense.
Anger is misery
One of the biggest challenges facing victims of childhood trauma is the inability to speak out and get the help and support they desperately need. The longer the trauma stayed in the mind, the more susceptible you become. Some certain behavior among many married couples today can be traced back to their childhood traumas.
Perhaps you know why you are angry but you refuse to express your feelings. When you are sad, you feel angry; when you need help, you get angry because you expect people around to understand your reaction. Anger breeds sadness and you may never find a reason to be happy if you continue to drown yourself and your spouse in misery.
Get support for all parties
The entire family needs counselling and support not just the victim. There are many kinds of support and therapies available from trauma counselling with a therapist or social worker to play therapists, doctors, psychotherapists, grief counselors, homeopaths, body stress release practitioners, EMDR therapy, the DeMartini quantum collapse method and so much more. Trauma affects a child on every level of their being – not just their head or their body. Every part of them needs to be healed and counselling may be required again at different stages of their life as memories surface.
Embrace your pain
Pain is temporary even though it can last for a year, a decade or a century. It is not permanent and should never define the person you are destined to become. If you appreciate the sun but also wish the darkness could cease, how can you enjoy the stars at night? The pain of the past is a powerful tool that prepares you for the trials and tribulations of life and the challenges of marriage too.
Do not indict yourself for your emotional connection with your childhood pains as everyone experiences pain in different ways; rather, begin to embrace your wounds, nurture the child within and give yourself every reason to heal the pains. Although they say that ‘time heals all wounds,’ you must make time to confront your wounds and set your mind, body and soul free.
The only thing that is permanent in your life is your freedom!